“[She] is doing everything that I am trying to do. Except better and faster and more effectively. And I know that what she is doing is good. But I can’t help but hate it, because I feel like that was meant for me. That was my plan and it’s just not fair… I really want to love her, but I just don’t like her. I feel like she is my competition and I am losing.”
I scribbled this down in a notebook last year, defeated by a battle I didn’t sign up for. I didn’t ask to compete. I didn’t sign up to wrestle with The Knot of jealousy, comparison, and shame.
I feel like she is my competition and I am losing.
Comparison takes sisterhood and turns it into competition. And in competition, if they aren’t for you, they’re against you.
But I want you to know that girl is NOT the enemy. No matter how physically tangible your struggle is, your battle is not with mankind. Paul writes in Ephesians, “our struggle is not against flesh and blood” rather, the battle is spiritual (Ephesians 6:12).
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, the enemy doesn’t want us to be united, so he will do whatever he can to divide us as sisters. Jealousy and comparison work hand in hand to create hardness in our heart towards the other woman. Hesitant to be close and apprehensive to trust; your heart creates defenses, distancing itself from loving this “enemy” the way you would an ally.
We must recognize who the real enemy is. We get so busy fighting one another that we let him slide on by. Our true battle is not against one another; instead it is against the devil.
We need to bring the right kind of weapon. What would happen if we showed up to a battle with water guns, while the opposing army brought lightsabers? We’d be dead because we showed up for the wrong kind of battle.
Some of us are showing up to battle, but we don’t know whom we are fighting against and we brought the wrong weapons.
The battle of the flesh looks like competing against this girl, while the battle of the spirit looks like praying for her.
HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO PRAY FOR A GIRL I’M JEALOUS OF?
I get it. It’s painful to pray for someone we have an issue with. It takes humility to pray for people who we have a difficult time loving. But something powerful happens when we take the step to pray for someone like this.
Here are 5 things that will happen when you start to pray for the girl you are jealous of:
- You will become more aware. Next time you linger just a little too long on her Instagram photo and begin to measure your life against hers, you will catch yourself mid-comparison.
- You will view her as another human being. For some reason when we compare, we measure our worst-self to her best-self. As you pray for her, you’ll be reminded that she wakes up with bad breath, she has interpersonal conflict, she spills her coffee, she has doubts and insecurities, and she even poops too.(Did I take that too far?) A friend and mentor, Proverbs 31 author Amy Carroll once said to me when I asked her about her glamorous life as an author, “I fold underwear just like everybody else!” That girl who looks so perfect and flawless on social media… she poops just like everybody else!
- You will see her the way God see’s her. As you spend time in His holy presence, along with his Holy Spirit, He will reveal Truth and transform your vision of the world around you. As you pray for this girl, God will give you a vision of who she is as a broken girl whom He loves to death. I don’t know about you…but I can be SO critical of the people I am jealous of. Seeing her as God does helps me to give her more grace.
- You will love her. I once heard a pastor say, “It’s really hard to hate someone whom you are praying for.” When we petition for a sister in prayer, God changes our hearts towards her. Praying for your sister causes you to care about her in a supernatural way that doesn’t make any sense apart from the sovereignty of God.
- You’ll compare less, resulting in less jealousy. I don’t want to say this as if it is some kind of magic formula. It takes a lot of work to overcome sin in our lives and change behaviors. We need to be praying for our own hearts and implementing some of the other battle strategies too; but by praying for our sisters, we will experience heart-change ourselves.
Did a specific girl come to mind while reading this? Tell someone in your army who can keep you accountable to praying for her.
Are you ready to pray but still don’t know exactly how to find the words?
Click the purple link on this page under the words JOIN, and I’ll send you a download of some sample prayers to guide you in the beginning. If you are already a part of the Detangled&Free community, you’ll be getting the download in your inbox soon!
I hope this strategy encourages you in your battle this week!
With Love & Freedom,